codependency
codependency — a false sense of responsibility
A “false sense of responsibility” is the distorted understanding of how we are to love others who do not love themselves, or only love themselves.
Having a spouse, partner, family or friend who never takes personal responsibility for their own destructive words or behaviors.
Those of us that love from a distorted lens have no idea just how little we may see. We truly only see maybe half the picture; yet swear by it as the truth. Believing, we are only compassionate and loving as we make excuses; taking the blame, or “cover up” or “clean up” the mess left behind by those we love so deeply.
The unhealthy relationship with origins running deep; a “sense of obligation” and “control”. When one feels “over responsible” for an irresponsible loved one; we have a codependent relationship. What appears to be love and loyalty, is a toxic emotional see-saw. Nothing but “ups and downs”.
The “problem” is never solved, there is never any real emotional intimacy between the two involved. They are bonded by the “crisis” and “drama”; a dance of choice of the enabler and the addict, a twisted tango.
As an enabler, I was under the misunderstanding of love including loyalty at “all cost”. It would take me years to realize the price I paid was losing my individual identity. My life was wrapped up in my former spouse, his happiness, health and well being. “If only I could do everything right, all the time….”. Deep in myself was a belief system of distorted thinking. I was to blame for the unhappiness of my spouse, family or friends. If someone was angry with me? It was automatically my fault. If my former spouse lost money gambling? I made him lose. How? I wasn’t supportive. If he spent three days missing on a cocaine binge? I pushed him to do it. I must have said, “I’m sorry”, a trillion times in the eighteen years of our marriage, and any other relationship I was in during that period of my life. I had a “false sense of responsibility” for others.
I couldn’t see the sickness of my ways. Blinded, by the erroneous thinking I lived by as truth. Many spoke truth to me, but I was deaf to listening. I was in great emotional pain, yet bound by my own denial. My compassion had an agenda, to “fix” a broken person so “we” could live a happy life. Doesn’t sound too horrible, but it is nothing more than manipulation. My agenda was to fight for the both of us to be happy, denying the fact I was the only one fighting for “us”. Have you ever felt like you were alone in fighting for the “right” thing? If so, you may want to consider the fact that you are fighting alone.
Love does not require you to love yourself less than another; but to love another as yourself.
I never learned to love myself in a healthy way. To love myself was to be selfish, and being selfish was “bad”. Childish, dangerous toxic thinking. Yes, you can be addicted to toxic relationships and if we remain toxic? Toxic is all we will attract. It has taken me years to even be where I am today. I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. The addicted in my life? Remained addicted. Although, I was the “sober” spouse for many years; I was just as much an addict. Addicted, feeling a “false sense” of being responsible for another. A “false sense”, is a lie. No person is responsible for the actions of others. Whether, good or bad, we are each accountable for our own choices, reactions and actions.
Love others as you love yourself. How well do you love yourself? It’s never too late to learn to love yourself well. No more excusing the bad behavior of others; their choices are not your fault, but their choice! Set the standard for others, by first setting the standard for yourself. Tough love begins with the enabler, the “false sense of responsibility” holding them back from who they are as an individual; having a sense of their own “self” and not just living a “role”. I heard a joke once in a CODA meeting. It goes like this, “What is the last thing a codependent sees right before they are about to die? Someone else’s life flashes before their eyes!”. It’s taken much work and faith in God to become an “independent interdependent” person in my second marriage. I have a great supportive partner. I realize not everyone will have the fairytale ending that I may be living at the moment. I pray you can be brave enough to stop living the nightmare you call a life. You are the only one who can make the choice to get better or bitter. Until you do? Even the filter you see God’s love through is distorted. Trust me, I know. I thought, God’s love had an agenda too.
